If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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