I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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