there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
