I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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