Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
