I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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