i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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