And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
