This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Randomize
