I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
