Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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