John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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