girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
