we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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