Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
