Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
