maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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