I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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