You're completely useless in the revolution.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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