if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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