i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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