Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
