Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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