i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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