see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize