Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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