either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Watching her eat just hurts me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
