I think I won the penis lottery.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
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