the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize