:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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