i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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