oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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