Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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