walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
