why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
