i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
