he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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