someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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