Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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