Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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