Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
