Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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