She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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