I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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