you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
