Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
