Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
