He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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