Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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