I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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