Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
