we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
