My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
