i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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