Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
