i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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