Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
