Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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