Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
