I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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