the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
