I think I died a long time ago.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
