i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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